You might have a friend or a family member experiencing anxiety, and often wondered what to say to them when they're experiencing heightened emotions, or panic attacks. Perhaps you might feel like you have said something wrong, and want to correct yourself for next time, but do not know how. Maybe it's to you that these things have been said. It's important to know that they are not coming from a bad place, but out of a misunderstanding about the nature of anxiety.

So here are three things to never say to someone with anxiety. I've listed what you could do or say instead, so that you can help better. 

Disclaimer:

Albeit the topic being serious, I added a few funny images/ statements just to ensure a smile, especially if you're having a hard time reading posts that hits the heart like this one.

Just Chill

Believe me, we wish we could 'just chill'. To give you a picture, it's like saying 'just chill' to someone standing next to a venomous cobra waiting to attack. It's impossible to relax given something that is deeply terrifying to someone. Sometimes it could be a visible source of threat like a cobra, and at other times it could be something not so apparent, like a fear of having a panic attack. The source of fear in someone's mind could be based on a bad experience in the past, such as a dreadful flight. Once on the plane, they might find it difficult to stay calm, and merely telling them to 'chill' would not help.

Instead you can facilitate them to stay calm by breathing. Individuals experiencing anxiety will likely take short quick breaths which only fasten the heartbeat, and increase blood pressure. These signs mimic a heart attack, which makes them only feel worse. So taking deep breaths with them, and gently guiding them to stay grounded will help them so much more than telling them to 'chill'.

Don't Think About It

Try not to think about a giant purple dinosaur who sings and dances.

Go on...

 There's no way you could not.

 The same goes for the source of anxiety. Telling them to try not think about it, only makes them think about it more. For the person experiencing anxiety, the image of the source of anxiety would be vivid. It's like someone who fears blood and injections imagining an inexperienced nurse (or Mr. Bean dressed as a nurse) having to draw blood from them, inserting the syringe several times in a smelly hospital room. Sure, some of these fears or situations might seem like the most unrealistic of scenarios to you, but remember that you can't stop their thought process by saying 'don't think about it'. Managing thoughts is something they have to do themselves.

Instead you can help them by giving them a distraction. It doesn't work all the time, but sometimes it does help. A great way to distract someone, is to enable them to picture their happy and safe place or by helping them with guided imagery. This is a technique used by psychologists to couple breathing with imagining being on a calming beach, or a morning trail in the forest. You will be able to find several imagery exercises online to help you with this.

It's All in Your Head

There is a certain truth to it, as it is our thoughts and emotions that are exacerbating the anxiety. However you ought to know that the experience of anxiety is very real. Just like you can't calibrate the amount of pain experienced by someone else, there's no way to determine how real the feelings or source of anxiety is. So doing something you can easily do like use an escalator, could make someone else feel incredibly anxious. In which case you can't tell them that it's all in their head and to "just use the freaking escalator".

Image from Google

Instead of wording it as 'it's all in your head', gently let them know that they are in control, and they can manage their anxiety. You will be most helpful if you could gradually encourage them to go out of their comfort zone, and tackle their anxiety. 

In reference to the previous example, you could help by explaining to them how the escalator works, that is when to get on and when to get off. Then proceed to take them up and down the escalator a few times whilst holding their hand or making sure that they feel safe. Next, you can gently allow them to use the escalator by themselves whilst you watch. This process gently facilitates managing those fears and sources of anxiety. 

One ridikulus way I deal with certain sources of anxiety, (partly because I love Harry Potter) is by imagining being in the Boggarts class and shifting a visible source of anxiety into something funny, like a tarantula on roller-skates, or a disco cockroach. It reminds me that there is a certain truth in what Lupin said to a wise Harry, "... what you fear most of all is — fear".

Hope this post helps you help someone else. Or if it's you experiencing these emotions, I hope this post helped you let someone else know, how to help you when needed most.

Let me know what has helped you manage anxiety in a comment down below.

Thank you so much for reading,

Much Love,